november entries

november 1st: 8:41 am

currently in english class, waiting for the inevitable sas

yesterday was halloween and i had alot of fun. I ended up not matching with my boyfriend because i didnt go to his stupid party. [it was not stupid. i am just very frustrated]. i was a sexy vampire by myself. and i looked fuckin wicked. anyone can vouch for me. i am sexy. [if i keep saying it it'll be true].

today will be very hard and i know it will be very hard because i am making it very hard. i'll be fine

9:43

im in math class now but the lights are off because we are supposed to be having a lockdown drill, but we have a substitute and she doesnt know what to do. spooky. in her words: "i dunno, do you guys just chill or sumn?" i feel very safe

like i was saying earlier. today is going to be very difficult. im gonna have alot of people mad at me very soon but i cant say why yet. i'll blog about it later probably. im really glad i have tomorrow off. i need to be home and i need to call friends and draw. might start another huge project soon. i need to

november 2nd: 10:53 am

yeah we broke up lol

absolutely going thru it. glad for my friends though. my best friend made me a playlist because "our old ones are outdated" but i know he knew i wasnt feeling great. maybe theres a little twinge of humanity in there and not just 'lol lets make playlists'. yk. im thinking about it all too much. very little things are meaning alot to me right now. overthinking or underthinking, i'll never know.

november 3rd: 10:05

once again in math, waiting for the inevitable sas

i feel like i am going to fall asleep but i got a drawing done so im cool with it. lunch should be interesting. i'd be surprised if there was no big confrontation between either him and i or one of his friends. i just wanna go to art class and paint. our big project right now is to paint a food that is important to us, so i obviously chose sweet tarts. i do sweet tarts for every food related project i do. theyre very important to me for no reason. i made it hard for myself and instead of doing just one sweet tart variation, im doing three in one piece. i wanna go work on the mural instead sort of. my teacher said she would let me do anything i want in her class because im a good student or whatever, top of the class bla bla talented bla bla amazing sense of art bull. its nice to get complimented on my art with things other than 'cool' but i still dont really believe it. this is not meant to be a pity party im just being serious. i just have a very hard time thinking that what i make is good, but whatever floats your boat.

november 4th: 9:21

once again in math class

ive got about an hour to go which is maybe the lamest thing ive ever come to terms with. i like the long classes but math is such a pain. if i could have shorter math and sas classes i would be set. sas is just brutal. i am just trying to spend time doing everything but falling asleep. ive finished all the work and this school chromebook cant handle sas oda studio, so its not like i can do anything. this is so lame. this is so lame

november 16th: 7:33 am

in english

havent written in a while that's my bad. cut all my hair off again a few days ago. very short, and i can feel the wind on my neck again. really odd stuff. a friend said he would crochet me a scarf which is very kind of him. i cant pay him because i cant work and i dont have money so he told me to think of it an early christmas gift which still somehow makes me feel guilty. idk. feeling wierd.

november 17th: 6:27 pm

i bet you still read this

do you remember

do you remember that time it was pouring outside and I ran through the courtyard. i begged you to come out in the rain with me and give me a hug or something. but you didnt, you just stood there, under the awning shaking your head at me. you called me stupid and i think that exact moment is when i fell out of love with you

november 19th: 10:29 pm

*announcer voice* WHATS UP BESTIES. GUESS WHO STILL FEELS LIKE SHIT

its been an hour or two since they texted me out of the blue after THREE WEEKS OF ABSOLUTELY DOG SHIT NOTHING and its not like they didnt read this blog and KNOW THAT I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT IT because THEY TOLD ME THEY READ IT AND I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL THEM THAT THEY NEED TO GIVE ME A GENUINE APOLOGY AND NOT JUST AN "im sorry" TEXT OUT OF THE BLUE W/O ACTUALLY APOLOGIZING FOR ANYTHING

im really heated and i feel like shit and i cannot stop shaking and im gonna start yelling soon

november 20th: 10:50 pm

alri

ive thought it over and im fine now i guess. apology not accepted but accepted enough to be friendly on monday. feeling good about how i look feeling confident in myself. turning into the person i want to be. last night was just a bit rough for me and i know im not like that. idc though, the past is the past and the future is everchanging. might use that phrase in a song. been writing alot lately. a friend told me i should try my hand at poetry. might give it a shot.

november 22nd: 9:45 am

in math class i feel sick to my stomach

checked my ywot for the first time in a bit today. it took alot of courage to delete that paragraph you wrote about me but my best friend helped me delete it while i cried about it. i thought you would take that as a sign to, idk, not write in it again, but here you are, four sentences that make me feel sick when i read them. saying youre sorry is one thing, but giving me a pity message telling me that you feel more alone than before does not make me feel bad for you in the slightest. it makes me mad more than anything. it makes me want to yell at you in the middle of class but i am remaining mature. while part of me hopes you read this, the other half hopes you never interact with me ever again.

9:16 pm

why is this so hard

im trying so hard to be the bigger person but i think i need to stop being the bigger person and get a hug

november 23rd: 10:37 pm

i was the bigger person and i got my hug so its just a win fucking win isnt it

really happy right now. i am standing up for myself and letting myself feel emotions and shit im having a great time. really self assured for no reason rn. i feel good, great even. very good and im not even joking right now. new maude era: maude grows a set of balls and stand up for themselves and doesnt take shit era. love it

november 28th: 11:10 am

started twirling my hair while texting you. kill me

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